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 Multi <-> Syn

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Multi

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon May 05, 2008 10:04 pm

Chapter 6-- Daggers

Before he crested the hilltop, Tori fired his walker's jump jets. Sailing into the air he had a moments view of the Sleepy Hollow community down in Carbon Canyon. It only took him a second to spot the makeshift tent in the big parking lot and let fly a couple of missiles into it. He landed first with one leg and then the other, absorbing the impact as he had been taught. Even in the big, clumsy, humanoid walker, the motion looked graceful. "Beautiful!" Punch admired.

I don't care anymore about anyone, he thought, If I kill somebody, then oh well. I stopped caring the minute I woke up with wires in my head and a lump of metal wedged in my spine. I'm a Tyran now,--an alien pin cushion.

Tori's little stunt put him behind the main group. Punch crested the ridgeline, his long cannons angled sharply against the horizon, and Distance followed closely behind. As soon as she was insight of a target, she fired, and fired again. Somehow, she managed to keep one beam after another connecting her guns to a target almost constantly with bright red light. She must be getting really hyper if she's heating up her walker with all that laser fire, Tori smiled at the thought, trying to imagine the look on Distance's face. She didn't respond.

As he crested the ridge he could already see the destruction they were causing. The tent was gone. Several flaming buildings lit the community as the street lights came on. Explosions flared up everywhere like punching holes in a dark, windowless room. Tori let fly some more long range missiles, watching the smoke trails in their arch upwards before curving downward halfway to the target. He grinned, showing the whites of his teeth as the missiles connected with an unmanned tank. There was no returning fire. Evidently surprise was his side. The tracer fire from the 7 walkers on the ridge was terrifying.

As they neared the canyon floor, deafening gunshots blasted continuously from Punch's walker as he came into range of the buildings. Hot steam rose from Distance's walker as she jumped in the creek. Still she was firing continuously. One line of light connected with one bridge support after another until one side of the road collapsed into the water with several gigantic splashes. Pausing for a second to aim, Distance fired another beam into the remaining half of the bridge. She held the beam as she moved it alone the width of the bridge, and it too caved in. The sight of so much destruction excited Tori. This community, he knew, was very old, and probably held historic importance. With every building destroyed crumbled decades of memory. Every structure destroyed represented at least one ruined life.

Reaching the bank of the creek, Tori could see the golf course parking lot where the tent had been across the way. Firing his jump-jets again, his walker was lifted over Distance and the creek below. Angling his walker just right, he landed with a foot firmly planted in one of the houses on the other bank of the creek. His walker stood partially in the house, up to its waist in the 2 stories of broken walls, and Tori's excitement grew. Punch had to take the long way around.

As he paused to check the position he was in, he saw a woman run screaming out of the front door of the house and into the street. Tori smile grew unnaturally wide. His body shook slightly as he laughed silently to himself. Using the optical zoom in his cockpit, Tori took aim at the girl. As his crosshairs followed her, she turned back to look up directly at him. Tori gasped, his eyes wide. It was Sarah! In a whirl of questions and emotions, Tori felt suddenly dizzy. What was she doing here? She should be up north with her parents! The walls of the wrecked house gave way as he stepped out into the street. He tried to move closer to protect her from the danger. Where's Punch? Why's Sarah here? I got to make sure she gets out of here.

Punch heard Tori's worried thoughts with glee, "Is that the female you're always thinking about? Is she the twig you wanted to share space with? Awe she looks so... so...fragile!" Fear gripped Tori as his walker stood between Punch and the woman screaming in the street. Punch loved hurting people in as many ways as possible. Advancing on Tori, Punch wondered aloud, "What would happen if I ordered you to kill her?"
"No!" Tori's walker backed away, trying to protect Sarah. Once Punch wanted something, he wouldn't stop until he got it.
"Do it!" Punch screamed, and Tori's body lurched as the pain stabbed at his ribs. Punch's walker bumped into Tori's, forcing him backwards.
"Stop! Please, stop!"
"Now!" The pain in Tori's head smothered all other thoughts. His jaw clenched and eyes shut tight, he remembered Sarah's face, magnified by his crossfairs. Unconsciously, he stepped backwards one step too far. With a sickening crunch, the iron foot squashed her, stifling her screams instantly.

Frozen in his seat, Tori breath caught. In the background, he could vaguely here Punch laughing and calling him names. The incredibility of the entire night hit him like a heat wave. His own walker crushed a lot more than Sarah with that one crunch. Tori vomitted all over the controls. Slowly he sat back up inside the mess of the cockpit, staring blankly at his twitching right hand. I was never a killer. Why am I doing these things!

Putting his hand back on the throttle, a strange smile flitted across his features. He began to laugh uncontrollably at the absurdity of the whole situation. Even as he laughed and smiled, the look of fear remained etched in his features. Then he stopped suddenly. In a surge of adrenaline, Tori screamed incomprehensibly at the dead woman. Throttling up, the walker crunched another car, swung around to fire into a restraunt, and then launched a bout of rockets that flew dangerously close to another walker before sailing off into the sky. Suddenly Tori was in pain. Have I been hit? What's happening? Let me die!
Punch was screaming something at him, "--You're going to kill somebody like that. You blithering idiot, aim!" Tori realized he had not been hit. Punch was merely trying to get his attention like usual.
"Yes, sir. It won't happen again." Tori answered in an akward laugh. After a second or two, a new voice called to Tori. It was too faint to distinguish the exact words. Smiling faintly, Tori heard the voice a second time, except more clearly now.
"Tori...Why... kill me?" The voice floated through his brain faintly. It sounded feminine. His smile grew as if he was grateful for the confirmation of how unreal the whole night had been. Tori turned to look for Distance. She kept firing beam after beam into the reinforcements coming down the road ahead. She had climbed back out of the creek and up the hillside again. It was getting dark enough now that Tori wouldn't have been able to spot her if she hadn't been constantly firing. The red beams illuminated the ground and trees around her. Once she missed, and a tree caught fire. Tori flipped on his searchlight and laughed uncontrollably as he swung it around in every direction. Tori pictured his walker from a ways off, doing a strange dance in the middle of the street with all of this fire flying everywhere.

Then, there was that voice again, calling out to Tori. He paled, recognizing whose voice it was. Sarah called out to him, "Tori, why did you kill me?"
"Where are you!?" he whirled around inside his cockpit, searching for Sarah. Did she get captured by the Tyrans, too? How's she talking to me?
The ghostly voice called out to him again. Tori's concentration broke as a gunshot went off somewhere behind him. The military were shooting back at them now. Tori turned, searching for the gunshot. "I'm here," Sarah whispered in his mind. Tori made his way clumsily over to origin of the gunshot, following the voice in a sort of wierd adventure. There was a walker there. Is it Sarah's walker? She was captured too! Desperately he called out to the pilot of the walker, "Sarah where are you!?" The walker turned to face him.

He could hear Punch and Distance trying to talk to him, but Sarah's whispering had multiplied into two or more voices. He couldn't concentrate. The noise grew louder as he tried to block out the sound with his hands on his ears. Tears came unbidden to his eyes. "Where are you!" he screamed to no one. Jerking suddenly, he could hear Punch screaming something at him. In desperation, Tori pressed every button he could find, trying to drive out all of the voices in his head. Immediately, Tori's searchlight went out, his walker jettisoned into the air, and he began an emergency shutdown. In a stunning brilliant light, Tori fired every single weapon he had, at point blank, into Punch. Exploding in sound, light, and flames, the walker was thrown backwards into a house where it lay, a ruined mess of bent metal. Punch was dead.

Tori's walker shut down in mid-air, and he landed with violent crash, face down in the street. The force of the impact flung Tori from his cockpit and out onto a lawn across the way. He lay there on his side, frozen with fear, confusion, and pain. As his vision blurred, he watched the smoke rise far above him with eyes wide. The burning air forced him to cough blood onto the grass. Sarah was never here; she couldn't have been captured, he thought, she's safe with her parents far from here. I didn't kill you! I didn't kill you! Yet, he could still hear her whispers in his ears. Lying there, coughing and mouthing the words, 'I didn't kill you', Tori blacked out.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 7:59 am

I forget, do we know why the Tyrans are invading Earth, or why humans are helping them? I am having trouble with the motivation of the characters. I think you are going to lose some readers, especially after you squish Sarah, unless there are powerful motivating factors that readers understand or at least sense. Or did he squish Sarah by accident? And then he blames Punch? That might happen in a real world, where even good people are capable of idiotic clutzy acts, but Aristotle would say that it lacks dramatic logic, even if it has realistic probability.

And the Tyrans don't seem to have any strategy, or even tactical goals. They just go around blowing things up and stomping on them. That's ok if you are Godzilla, who has a sort of Zen monster logic. These Tyrans don't seem smart enough to plan anything, but somebody somewhere must have a plan, and these foot soldiers must know something about it, and thus the reader could have an inkling.

Sorry if I have missed the exposition of this. I am still getting stories mixed up.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 9:28 am

I haven't finished Chapter 6 yet. You'll soon find out that Tori didn't really squish Sarah... It may be wierd, but this is something you're not supposed to understand. See, as a reader, you know Sarah is traveling north to her parents. You last read about her being in a hotel somewhere between here and San Fransico. She can't be in a house in Sleepy Hollow. I have to finish this chapter or else the confusion will grow... You see, Tori is seeing things... Shocked Twisted Evil

The plan for the Tyrans is to push outward to clear some territory so they can assemble this miracle machine Capstone was talking about without worrying that it'll get destroyed. That's why they're attacking the military in the houses surrounding Chino Hills State Park.

Earlier in the story the Tyrans were running lots of little missions trying to capture humans. It's part of the Tyran nature to destroy things in frustration. They're like animals, and they don't care about the human world. Does that make sense? I know I have this all figured out, but I don't communicate everything well enough. I read it, and because I know everything, I subconsciously fill in the gaps that need explaining.

I obviously like talking about walkers and how they work, but that's not the point of this novel. As you can see, there is always some new development in the story. There are no pointless scenes. I didn't bring Tori, Punch, and Distance together just to destroy things and squish random women... Neutral

Abeyance...isn't working here... x_x

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 9:42 am

So Sarah isn't squished, but a random woman is squished? Or an imaginary woman?

In fiction, it doesn't matter too much whether the violence and death is imaginary. The story itself is imaginary, thus the psychic effects of random death are just as real as real fictional death, even if you end up with "Only joking," or the old "It was all a dream." If death is meaningful, death in the story should be meaningful, unless the point is that it is meaningless. You can't have it both ways.

Le Guin is right. Some things are hard to say in words.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 9:58 am

Professor!

How can I explain this when you keep posting as I'm finishing my chapter? I finish editing a part and hit send only to find another confused comment from you. Embarassed Neutral Very Happy

Death is meaningful, but Tori has been desensitized. He went through a lot of pain and now he's got all of this metal protruding from his body to remind him. He feels great emotion in killing the random woman. His knuckles go white, and his jaw clenches. He didn't kill Sarah, Sarah isn't even close by, but he thinks she is.

Maybe writing about confusion in your story causes confusion. It's contageous. I'm picturing a nameless reader in the future reading this part and thinking, Hmm, well, Tori's confused. I should get confused too! Yay? confused

Maybe this is a good thing? You're so into the view point character that see things the way he does without question...

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 10:44 am

Don't panic. It's just phenomenological commentary on a version of the story which is fragmentary by necessity. Play the believing game and the doubting game with all suggestions, and then act on them, or not.

Characters can be confused, and readers can be confused (or held in abeyance), but the confusion must be productive. But an individual confused reader might be inattentive, distracted, or insufficiently prepared, so take all of these factors into account.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 12:00 pm

Multi wrote:
Chapter 6-- Daggers

...With a sickening crunch, the iron foot squashed her, stifling her screams instantly.

In a surge of adrenaline, Tori screamed incomprehensibly at the dead woman. Running forward, the walker crunched another car, fired into a restraunt and then launched a bout of rockets that flew dangerously close to another walker before sailing off into the sky. Suddenly Tori was in pain. Have I been hit? What's happening?
Punch was screaming something at him, "--You're going to kill somebody like that. You blithering idiot, aim!" Tori realized he had not been hit. Punch was merely trying to get his attention like usual.
"Yes, sir. It won't happen again." Tori answered shakily. After a second or two, a new voice called to Tori. It was too faint to distinguish the exact words. Before he could dismiss it as nonsense, Tori heard the voice a second time, except more clearly now.
"Tori...Why... kill me?" The voice floated through his brain faintly. It sounded feminine. Tori turned to Distance asking if she had said something. She ignored him and kept firing beam after beam into the reinforcements coming down the road ahead. She had climbed back out of the creek and up the hillside again. It was getting dark enough now that Tori wouldn't have been able to spot her if she hadn't been constantly firing. The red beams illuminated the ground and trees around her. Once she missed, and a tree caught fire. Tori flipped on his searchlight.

Then, there was that voice again, calling out to Tori. He paled, recognizing whose voice it was. Sarah called out to him, "Tori, why did you kill me?"
"Where are you!?" he whirled around inside his cockpit, searching for Sarah. Did she get captured, too? How's she talking to me?
The ghostly voice called out to him again. Tori's concentration broke as a gunshot went off somewhere behind him. The military were shooting now. Tori turned, searching for the gunshot. "I'm here," Sarah whispered in his mind. Confused, Tori made his way clumsily over to origin of the gunshot. There was a walker there. Is it Sarah's walker? She was captured too! Desperately he called out to the pilot of the walker, "Sarah where are you!?" The walker turned to face him.

So much noise! Too many voices! He could hear Punch and Distance trying to talk to him, but Sarah's whispering had multiplied into two or more voices. He couldn't concentrate. The noise grew louder as he tried to block out the sound with his hands on his ears. Tears came unbidden to his eyes. "Where are you!" he screamed to no one. Jerking suddenly, he could hear Punch screaming something at him. In desperation, Tori pressed every button he could find, trying to drive out all of the voices in his head. Immediately, Tori's searchlight went out, his walker jettisoned into the air, and he began an emergency shutdown. In a stunning brilliant light, Tori fired every single weapon he had, at point blank, into Punch. Exploding in sound, light, and flames, the walker was thrown backwards into a house where it lay, a ruined mess of bent metal. Punch was dead.

Tori's walker shut down in mid-air, and he landed with violent crash, face down in the street. The force of the impact flung Tori from his cockpit and out onto a lawn across the way. He lay there on his side, frozen with fear, confusion, and pain. As his vision blurred, he watched the smoke rise far above him with eyes wide. The burning air forced him to cough blood onto the grass. Sarah was never here; she couldn't have been captured, he thought, she's safe with her parents far from here. I didn't kill you! I didn't kill you! Yet, he could still hear her whispers in his ears. Lying there, coughing and mouthing the words, 'I didn't kill you', Tori blacked out.

Here's the rest of that chapter so you don't have to read it over, Professor Edlund.

BTW, I think this is an awesome chapter. I've finished drafting it so it's ready for suggestions now. I also made a new poll to hopefully make it easier to comment and help me improve this. The result from the last poll told me I need to better develope the relations between Punch and Distance. I'll try to add some stuff to Chapter 3 to develope them more. As of this point, you only know that Distance was watching Tori recover (she's distant from everyone). You also know that Punch practically owns her and he treats her very badly. Also, Punch likes Tori but thinks he's an idiot. None of the Tyrans understand humans.

So I hope you enjoyed chapter 6! Let the confusion begin Laughing (I hope not)

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue May 06, 2008 10:38 pm

I haven't read Chapters 5 or 6 yet, but Chapter 4 is strong. You do an excellent job describing things from an alien point of view.
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 12:06 am

Glad to hear it! Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 4:43 pm

Your story is intriguing. I have so many questions. I know you want your story to be confusing for now and you'll explain it later but I think it would help if a little more was let out now.
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 7:59 pm

anything in particular that trips you up?

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 8:18 pm

I still can't understand how Tori became so desensitized and changed so quick. I understand he went through a lot, but to kill another person and just follow the Tyran's orders seems a stretch. It is too hard to relate with Tori this way. I know he is confused but I am just confused with it all. I think it might help if we could know more about what Tori is thinking prior to killing the woman. That is why I don't really understand him.

So I guess more characterization is what I want...
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 8:32 pm

You know what, I agree. It was a short time in the text, but it was a long time in the story. He went for days in that room waking up with wires in him and such. He feels so mutilated. He doesn't care anymore about himself (essentially he's gone insane). Girlfriend left him after he tried so hard to keep her and she left for no reason in his opinion. He was badly hurt and mutilated and controlled by this alien. He just wants the pain to stop so he does whatever Punch tells him to.

When he thinks he sees Sarah, he is overwhelmed. He can't think he merely acts. The thing is, I can't explain to you why he does what he did because Tori doesn't know why he did it. In the next chapter you'll read about his guesses as to why he did it.

Ya, Tori is a certified loony now.

You'll also soon find out that Tori is way different than the other humans that were captured. What I need to do is explain what I've told here better in previous chapters. I can only hope that I can reasonably hold you all in abeyance until chapter 7 (I mean this is a climax).

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 9:18 pm



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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 9:27 pm

This is to give you an idea of what combat looks like between walkers (jumping, landing, movement, and weapons fire)

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 10:14 pm

I've changed a lot about this chapter now. I added a lot more description. Hopefully I develope Tori's character enough for chapter 6 now...

Please tell me what you think and I'll greatly appreciate any suggestions you have.

Multi wrote:
Chapter 4- Withdrawal

...Sometimes the dreams were all too real.

One the second day he had woken up with something itchy below his left eye. When he tried to scratch it his arm wouldn't move. Suddenly he remembered where he was and tried to get up. This time there were again wires that held him down. To his utter horror, they had strapped him to the table and left him there. In short, panicking breaths, he laid his head back down with an expression of horror etched into his face. They had not only paralyzed him from the neck down, but they had strapped him down as well. To his left, Tori saw a clear container of something metallic. On its surface reflected a grotesque, mutilated person Tori did not know. He watched as the reflection watched him in return. He saw the wires, the straps, and surgeons tools as well. A lone tear glided down the curvature of the metal that had been so cruely spliced onto the man's face. Watching this stranger in the reflection, Tori tried to wipe away the tear, except that his hand would not move. Tori did not slept the second night.

The Tyran he had seen before continuously came by check on him. She and the others were scary at first, but after a day or two, they looked more exotic than frightening. They stood a mere 3 feet high and looked more like overgrown...

...One day he awoke and several Tyrans stood clustered around the table he was on. Yet, he was able to sit up this time, and there were no wires that he pulled out of any machine. He could see the lift was locked. He had learned that lifts could be locked when he had tried to escape a second time. They would let him out when he was ready to go.
"Unusually stupid isn't he?" scoffed a small Tyran in the corner so that he could hear. No not hear. He received his thoughts through the alien transmitter that was the mess of metal below his left eye. Tori felt suddenly sick again. He hated knowing things he couldn't remember learning. The added feeling of the wires in his cheek made him nauseous. He noticed not only the ache in his head, but all down the left side of his body.
"It might take a lot of work to get it through his thick skull who's boss, but I can do it." Tori could tell the Tyran in the corner was carrying on an argument with one of the other three Tyrans in the room. He merely could only hear one side of it. By the tone and heat of the one talking, he seemed to be trying to convince the others of something. Tori had come to know this Tyran over the last day or so. His name was Punch, and he was Tori's controller. Learning the hard way, Tori had tried to escape the first day he met Punch only to find himself in extreme pain that came from no where. Punch had shown him who was boss. Tori laid back down on the table and stared blankly at the upper levels. The only way he could not keep from losing his head again, was to just ignore it all. He didn't care how he knew what he knew. He tried not to think about all of the cut-shaped, metal protrusions down his left side.
"I can keep him cause I damaged him?! What's that supposed to mean? You think he can't beat your scrawny twig any day? You're a busted-up old geyser. He'll be outta here and bustin' stuff up real good." Tori's eyelids drooped as sleep came to him like a warm breeze on a cold autumn night. He tried not to think about what he would have to do. Tori had changed; he was no longer the young romantic adult he could remember. The Tyrans had surgically removed that part of him the moment Punch had destroyed his house and his life. There was no going back. Instead, Tori was no one, an empty shell, kept alive only by the wires attached to him. He wanted nothing but for the pain to go away. Maybe some day I'll care about what Punch makes me do.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 10:49 pm

That addition glues the story together so much more than before! The first paragraph was great.

There is only one thing I still question. I still don't see how his life was destroyed by Punch destroying his house. I get that he has been heavily modified by the aliens, but I wouldn't view him as an empty shell. It's tragic but not that tragic. When I think of someone having become empty, I always see it that there hope has been destroyed because something of great value was taken from them, like Sarah. I don't feel that from a destroyed house or modded body.

Perhaps, maybe Tori shouldn't be a shell yet, but maybe in the 6th chapter when he thinks he kills Sarah is when it happens. Maybe he didn't mean to kill the woman but by some accident he does. Then he feels like the last thread of his former life has been cut and he becomes empty. Thats when he goes crazy and kills Punch. Since he had so much attachment to her, I thought that would really break him.

Just a suggestion (even if it is cliched)...Keep it up Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 11:28 pm

Maybe you're right. It fits better that way. I intended Tori to do the things he's done so far for the reasons you've mentioned, but I haven't explained it well enough. I'll need to go back and rewrite chapter 4 and 6 tommorrow morning. Sorry to those of you reading along so closesly. I know how much you guys don't like re-reading things. That's why I try to show only major revisions so you don't have to reread entire chapters and such. Thanks sooo much for your help!! bounce Very Happy

BTW, you do understand that the woman Tori stepped on wasn't Sarah, right?... Very Happy (Does that make it not a cliche? I absolutely hate writing things I think aren't original, even if there are no original works of literature.)

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed May 07, 2008 11:41 pm

Multi wrote:
Chapter 4- Withdrawal

...Tori's eyelids drooped as sleep came to him like a warm breeze on a cold autumn night. He tried not to think about what Punch would make him do. Tori had changed; he was no longer the young romantic adult he could remember. There was no going back. For now, he wanted nothing but for the pain to go away. Maybe some day I'll care about what Punch makes me do.

Is this better? Wait for changes to chapter 6.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 10:11 am

Here's the edit for chapter 6. I'm not sure if I did it justice, but its an improvement. Such a hard chapter to write...

Multi wrote:
Chapter 6-- Daggers

..."Beautiful!" Punch admired.

I don't care anymore about anyone, he thought, If I kill somebody, then oh well. I stopped caring the minute I woke up with wires in my head and a lump of metal wedged in my spine. I'm a Tyran now,--an alien pin cushion.

Tori's little stunt put him behind the main group...

...Firing his jump-jets again, his walker was lifted over Distance and the creek below. Angling his walker just right, he landed with a foot firmly planted in one of the houses on the other bank of the creek. His walker stood partially in the house, up to its waist in the 2 stories of broken walls, and Tori's excitement grew. Punch had to take the long way around.

As he paused to check the position he was in, he saw a woman run screaming out of the front door of the house and into the street. Tori smile grew unnaturally wide. His body shook slightly as he laughed silently to himself. Using the optical zoom in his cockpit, Tori took aim at the girl. As his crosshairs followed her, she turned back to look up directly at him. Tori gasped, his eyes wide. It was Sarah! In a whirl of questions and emotions, Tori felt suddenly dizzy. What was she doing here? She should be up north with her parents! The walls of the wrecked house gave way as he stepped out into the street. He tried to move closer to protect her from the danger. Where's Punch? Why's Sarah here? I got to make sure she gets out of here.

Punch heard Tori's worried thoughts with glee, "Is that the female you're always thinking about? Is she the twig you wanted to share space with? Awe she looks so... so...fragile!" Fear gripped Tori as his walker stood between Punch and the woman screaming in the street. Punch loved hurting people in as many ways as possible. Advancing on Tori, Punch wondered aloud, "What would happen if I ordered you to kill her?"
"No!" Tori's walker backed away, trying to protect Sarah. Once Punch wanted something, he wouldn't stop until he got it.
"Do it!" Punch screamed, and Tori's body lurched as the pain stabbed at his ribs. Punch's walker bumped into Tori's, forcing him backwards.
"Stop! Please, stop!"
"Now!" The pain in Tori's head smothered all other thoughts. His jaw clenched and eyes shut tight, he remembered Sarah's face, magnified by his crossfairs. Unconsciously, he stepped backwards one step too far. With a sickening crunch, the iron foot squashed her, stifling her screams instantly.

Frozen in his seat, Tori breath caught. In the background, he could vaguely here Punch laughing and calling him names. The incredibility of the entire night hit him like a heat wave. His own walker crushed a lot more than Sarah with that one crunch. Tori vomitted all over the controls. Slowly he sat back up inside the mess of the cockpit, staring blankly at his twitching right hand. I was never a killer. Why am I doing these things!

Putting his hand back on the throttle, a strange smile flitted across his features. He began to laugh uncontrollably at the absurdity of the whole situation. Even as he laughed and smiled, the look of fear remained etched in his features. Then he stopped suddenly. In a surge of adrenaline, Tori screamed incomprehensibly at the dead woman. Throttling up, the walker crunched another car, swung around to fire into a restraunt, and then launched a bout of rockets that flew dangerously close to another walker before sailing off into the sky. Suddenly Tori was in pain. Have I been hit? What's happening? Let me die!
Punch was screaming something at him, "--You're going to kill somebody like that. You blithering idiot, aim!" Tori realized he had not been hit. Punch was merely trying to get his attention like usual.
"Yes, sir. It won't happen again." Tori answered in an akward laugh. After a second or two, a new voice called to Tori. It was too faint to distinguish the exact words. Smiling faintly, Tori heard the voice a second time, except more clearly now.
"Tori...Why... kill me?" The voice floated through his brain faintly. It sounded feminine. His smile grew as if he was grateful for the confirmation of how unreal the whole night had been. Tori turned to look for Distance. She kept firing beam after beam into the reinforcements coming down the road ahead. She had climbed back out of the creek and up the hillside again. It was getting dark enough now that Tori wouldn't have been able to spot her if she hadn't been constantly firing. The red beams illuminated the ground and trees around her. Once she missed, and a tree caught fire. Tori flipped on his searchlight and laughed uncontrollably as he swung it around in every direction. Tori pictured his walker from a ways off, doing a strange dance in the middle of the street with all of this fire flying everywhere.

Then, there was that voice again, calling out to Tori. He paled, recognizing whose voice it was. Sarah called out to him, "Tori, why did you kill me?"
"Where are you!?" he whirled around inside his cockpit, searching for Sarah. Did she get captured by the Tyrans, too? How's she talking to me?
The ghostly voice called out to him again. Tori's concentration broke as a gunshot went off somewhere behind him. The military were shooting back at them now. Tori turned, searching for the gunshot. "I'm here," Sarah whispered in his mind. Tori made his way clumsily over to origin of the gunshot, following the voice in a sort of wierd adventure. There was a walker there. Is it Sarah's walker? She was captured too! Desperately he called out to the pilot of the walker, "Sarah where are you!?" The walker turned to face him.

He could hear Punch and Distance trying to talk to him, but Sarah's whispering had multiplied into two or more voices. He couldn't concentrate. The noise grew louder as he tried to block out the sound with his hands on his ears. Tears came unbidden to his eyes. "Where are you!" he screamed to no one. Jerking suddenly, he could hear Punch screaming something at him. In desperation, Tori pressed every button he could find, trying to drive out all of the voices in his head. Immediately, Tori's searchlight went out, his walker jettisoned into the air, and he began an emergency shutdown. In a stunning brilliant light, Tori fired every single weapon he had, at point blank, into Punch. Exploding in sound, light, and flames, the walker was thrown backwards into a house where it lay, a ruined mess of bent metal. Punch was dead.

Tori's walker shut down in mid-air, and he landed with violent crash, face down in the street. The force of the impact flung Tori from his cockpit and out onto a lawn across the way. He lay there on his side, frozen with fear, confusion, and pain. As his vision blurred, he watched the smoke rise far above him with eyes wide. The burning air forced him to cough blood onto the grass. Sarah was never here; she couldn't have been captured, he thought, she's safe with her parents far from here. I didn't kill you! I didn't kill you! Yet, he could still hear her whispers in his ears. Lying there, coughing and mouthing the words, 'I didn't kill you', Tori blacked out.

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Shadow of the Colossus, the best form of story telling.
Phantom Dust, awesome plot twists!
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Multi

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 10:25 am


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Phantom Dust, awesome plot twists!
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Vicente



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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 1:57 pm

Great drawings o.o awesome detail in that last one.
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Umbrangelus

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 7:18 pm

affraid WOW Cool Very Happy Wink I love you cheers jocolor geek lol! This is really cool!!!

Amazing job!!!
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TheDirector



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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 8:24 pm

Impressive. Indeed.

John Edlund
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btexpress



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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 08, 2008 8:28 pm

I love how you changed the 4th and 6th chapter. It's great and seems so much more realistic to me. It flows so much more naturally. I hope the next chapter comes soon.

Nice drawing by the way.
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